If you aren’t used to setting boundaries, it can feel very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, the people you need strong boundaries for are also the ones who are most likely to push back. At Cottonwood, in Tucson, Arizona, we help our patients to practice setting and enforcing healthy boundaries with people in their lives as a way to strengthen their recovery and their relationships.
What is a Boundary?
Boundaries are rules that you establish for your own behavior. Every relationship has boundaries, whether they are spoken aloud or not. There should be boundaries between family, friends, and co-workers that help the relationships stay healthy. The lines you establish tell other people what to expect from you and how you wish to be treated. Boundaries can be:
- Emotional – to protect your feelings: “If you continue to mock me for getting sober, I will end the call.”
- Physical – to protect your physical space: “I am not comfortable receiving hugs from you.”
- Sexual – to keep you safe and ensure your sexual needs are met: “I will not have sex with you unless you wear a condom.”
- Material – to protect your possessions: “I will not allow people in my home who have stolen from me.”
- Time – to prevent misuse of your time: “We are leaving for the airport at 2 pm. If you are not in the car at that time, I am leaving without you.”
- Work-related – to protect work-life balance: “My work hours are 9 am to 5 pm. Emails received outside those hours will be returned the next business day.”
Boundaries are not a punishment, and they don’t dictate how anyone else has to act; instead, they establish how you will respond in specific situations. It is important to make this distinction, because it is not possible to control the behaviors of other people, and if you try, you will likely find yourself frustrated.
How to Know Which Boundaries to Set
It is important to remember that boundaries are driven by how we perceive our own value. If you don’t feel comfortable setting and enforcing rules that protect your own well-being, it may be because you have been taught to value other people’s happiness above your own needs. This can lead to resentment, which isn’t healthy for yourself or your relationships.
Each person and each relationship is different, so there is no universal answer to what the lines should be for you. It may be helpful to ask yourself some questions as you consider what boundaries could be good for your life:
- Which relationships are causing you stress and anxiety?
- Are you attempting to control another person’s emotions, thoughts, or behaviors?
- Are you feeling mistreated or taken advantage of?
- Do you feel as though how much another person values you changes based on how willing you are to fulfill their demands?
- Do you need to adjust your responsibilities in a certain relationship?
Enforcing Boundaries
As relationships evolve, you may also need to adjust boundaries with the people around you. For example, someone who was once a stranger may become a close friend. You might not have been comfortable with them hugging you on the first day you met, but after the relationship grows, that could change.
Adjusting a boundary because the relationship has changed or your feelings have changed is different than not enforcing it. If you discover that someone has crossed a boundary, you need to be prepared to speak up about your needs in a respectful but firm manner. You also need to follow through with whatever you said you would do if the person does not respect your request; otherwise, you will send the message that your boundaries are just empty threats. This could make the person more inclined to ignore lines you attempt to establish in the future. For this reason, it’s a good idea to think about what boundaries you wish to set ahead of time.
Dealing with Resistance
People in your life may not be used to boundaries and may dislike them, especially if it means that you will not accept behavior that typically gets them what they want. They may take it personally when you are no longer willing to accept behavior that is harmful to you, and they may try to make you feel guilty or convince you to change your mind. If someone continuously crosses your boundaries, it may signal that the relationship is not able to be salvaged and that it is best for both parties to distance themselves from each other.
At Cottonwood, we want our clients to have strong, healthy relationships with the people around them. In addition to individual treatment, we offer a family program to help the people who care about our patients learn more about how they can best support their loved one in recovery and engage in healthier interactions in the future.
