Sometimes, when we are hurting, we hurt other people. We may not realize until much later the pain we have caused another person, and saying sorry isn’t enough to fix their suffering. At Cottonwood, in Tucson, Arizona, we don’t just help our clients to heal; we also help them to find ways to make amends for the hurt they caused before they entered recovery.
When to Make Amends
In 12-Step programs, amends are pretty far along in the recovery process. They do not occur until the person has had some time to experience sobriety and reflect on their past choices. This is because people in recovery need time to understand what they did, how it hurt the other person, and to accept responsibility for their choices. From the perspective of a person who has been harmed, it is also easier to trust that the person is really ready to make the changes required by amends if they have been in recovery for a while.
How to Make Amends
When you’re making amends for harming someone, it involves a lot more than saying sorry. A meaningful apology involves several parts:
- Expressing regret. This means showing true remorse. You might say something like, “I want to apologize for [action you did]. I am very sorry.”
- Acknowledging what you did wrong. This is your chance to show that you fully understand what you did wrong and how it impacted the other person. For example, you may say: “I was not the kind of parent you deserved,” “I stole your ring and pawned it to buy drugs,” or “I lied to you and manipulated you.”
- Accepting accountability. Take responsibility without making excuses. This might sound like, “What I did was wrong. It hurt you, and I accept full responsibility for the harm I caused.”
- Stating what you will do differently. Amends are meaningless without some plan for change. Tell them what will be different in the future, such as: I am in therapy and taking medication for my mental health, I want to be a better parent, I am sober now, and I will not steal from you again, or I quit using, and I will not lie to you again.
- Offering to make things right. There may or may not be a way to fix what you have broken, but you should do the best you can. This might look like replacing something you stole, offering to go to counseling with the person to repair the relationship, or committing to staying sober and becoming a healthier person.
- Asking the other person for forgiveness. Acknowledge that the other person has a choice about whether or not they will forgive you and express your hope for forgiveness from them.
Sometimes, trying to contact someone to make amends would cause additional harm. In this case, it is better to prioritize their well-being over your need for absolution. You can still make amends indirectly, by acknowledging to yourself how you hurt them and making a concerted effort to make the changes that will prevent you from causing the same harm to them or anyone else in the future.
Who Needs Forgiveness?
The people you make amends to may or may not choose to forgive you. They are allowed to decide how to proceed once you make amends. They aren’t the only one who needs to consider forgiveness, however. As you recover, you will need to forgive yourself and determine if you are ready to forgive people who caused you harm. People who struggle with behavioral health have often suffered trauma, abuse, and immense violations of their trust, sometimes because of people they loved. You may never receive amends from the people who hurt you, but you still get to decide if you want to forgive them. Should you wish to forgive someone, but find it difficult to do so, you can try the following process:
- Recall: Think about the facts of what happened, removing your feelings from the scenario.
- Empathize: Try to see the situation from their point of view.
- Altruistic gift: Think of a time when you hurt someone and were forgiven. Remember how it felt to be forgiven and think about whether you would like the person who hurt you to feel that way too.
- Commit: If you have decided you do want to forgive the person, make a commitment to doing so. Write yourself a letter to make your commitment more concrete.
- Hold: Choose to actively work on changing the emotions you feel about the situation. You don’t have to forget the feelings you had before. You’re just choosing to feel differently now.
At Cottonwood, we offer holistic treatment that acknowledges that a person’s mind, body, and spirit are all part of their recovery. We integrate the treatment of pain, trauma, stress, and physical health to help our patients feel safe, cared for, and heard.
